A Letter To My 20-Something Self on My 30th Birthday

Wow, gals. Hard to believe that a month has gone by since I last posted on here! It was not my intention to go radio silent.

Truth be told, prior to starting S+B I always wondered how someone who wrote a blog could just get “too busy to post”… and here I am! Pot, meet kettle.

Anyways, lesson learned. Sometimes life just happens. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but my word for this year is “self-care” and, in the face of crazy hard work expectations, I felt that the most loving thing to do was to not try to “do everything” and let some very important things slide in the name of my sanity while I tried to confront a challenging situation.

It’s too soon to tell, but I think I might be on the other side of the tough time. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard and takes a lot of out me, but I think I’m trusting that God’s got me more than I felt initially. If eight hours of sleep two nights in a row in the past week isn’t a sign of better things to come, then I don’t know what is!

With that out of the way, let’s get into the point of this post! Today, I turn the big 3-0 and I am so excited about it. I feel so ready. In preparation for this monumental day, I felt led to write another let (I think this is becoming a thing! See here and here)

A letter to my 20-something self:

You are going to be okay.

I know that seems like a funny thing to say right off the bat, but I know your 20th year has not been smooth. Despite it feeling exactly like you are in this by yourself, I have a sneak peek for you: you are not alone, promise.

(As we’ve touched on in a bunch of different contexts, I was not a Christian when I was 20. Speaking about this experience directly will come later this year when I celebrate my 10-year anniversary as a Christian so I don’t want to spoil any revelations on that front.)

The takeaway from your 20th year is this: Hold tight, God is coming to save you and you don’t even know it yet.

This is a lot of how life works: You’re in the middle of what you think is the worst crap you’ve ever experienced. It feels helpless and miserable (I am reminded of the past month of my work life…) and then bam, God show up and - guess what? - He’d been preparing you for His presence the entire time! He never left, forsake, or ignored you. He was preparing your way through your hardship.

Want another truth that kicked off when you’re 20 and expanded again in your 21st year?

The world is bigger than you know. Commit your life to discovering it.

This is one of those things where it’s conventional wisdom because it’s true!

You will catch the travel bug this year and it will become a part of who you are. Vacations and/or studying aboard in Asia and Europe are on the docket and it will shift your world view.

Let it.

That’s not to say that you need to agree or you can’t be shocked – culture shock is real, people! – but that you need to let it shape you.

Your heart is made for nations and being so US-centric you never knew it. However, God has made you with such a desire to adventure and it needs to be embraced.

Of course, you also need to be rooted – in family, friends, community – but that will come later.

Truth be told, this will be a long season of time with God and yourself. You probably won’t like it, but important seeds are being planted that pave the way for other things to come.

As always, trust the process.

“Feeling 22” will look a lot like testing your adult muscles: deciding to take a year off to attend the School of Ministry. You will have youth on your side and, by that, I mean you are exhibiting the essential audacity you need to decide that you’re meant to do this, you’ll figure out how to make it work, and it’s your life.

22 will be all about spreading your wings and being so sure of yourself that you don’t care what anyone else thinks.

Keep your youthful ignorance. Yes, there may be things that are more responsible from an experienced, older adult’s perspective, but remember that you only have one life to live. This is it. You do not get a do-over.

It’s one thing if you don’t know what you want, by all means seek counsel and contemplate the various outcomes.

However, if you feel like you really want to do something, do not let anyone stop you! You own your choices. You own the success and failure of your decisions. Do not adhere to someone else’s guidelines of what is safe and wise when your heart is screaming to give it a shot.

Alternatively, do not stick with someone you initially wanted to do and, upon reflection and in response to sage advice, feel conflicted about. Do not feel bound to your first instinct!

You are allowed to change your mind.

If you don’t, it’s really stubbornness and not maturity that is winning here. You don’t want to be wrong or influenced.

Listen to your gut (read: holy spirit). It will not lead your astray.

23 will bring your first full-time job, but it will also bring you back home.

Living with your parents?! Isn’t that going backwards?

You’re only going backwards if you let yourself believe you are.

Think about it this way: it’s all about your purpose. If you’re moving home and then you start acting like you did in high school with your mom cooking your meals and washing your clothes, that’s one thing. But if you approach it as “yes, I’m living at home, but it’s meant to give me time to figure out where I want to live and with whom” then it’s not aimless. Saving money to be a responsible adult is also another excellent reason!

On that note, there are new challenges awaiting in your 24th year that involve the unique experience of paying for things you don’t really want to but have to (aka utilities, new dishes, and new tires on your car). Maintenance will take on a new meaning and you will generally have a much better appreciation for why you’d like to keep things in tip-top shape rather than need to replace it indefinitely. Along these lines, you will also understand why your parents didn’t let you turn down the AC to 65 when no one is home and made your turn the lights off in rooms you were vacating.

Right around this time you will also begin an enduring passion where you volunteer with kids and decide that pouring yourself out for the benefit of others feels pretty darn good and makes all feel right with the world. Yet another seed that will grow and evolve in the years to come but find their establishment here.

This will be hard to believe so I’m going to break it to you bluntly: halfway through your twenties we will finally get to community. Yes, there will be semblance of it and there are true friends that will be made prior to this, but healing in this area as a whole will be largely overlooked until now.

But I have so good news: it is going to be really special.

For the first time, you will have a group of Christian guy and girl friends. You’ll have a murder mystery dress up birthday party, have sunrise beach baptisms, travel on mission trips,  be in small group together, lead youth, and grab lunch post-church.

You will learn what it feels like to be a part of something you’ve longed for your whole life: community.

And right when you think you have it all figured out, people will move away, you might even think you could move yourself, and everything changes.

I think it’s God’s way of keeping us on our toes. You especially. You’re not meant for comfort and stagnation. You are built to grow, learn, and stretch.

However, sometimes it doesn’t happen in the way you want or expect. When that time comes, brace yourself.

Growth was never described as being easy. Imagine a caterpillar trying to become a butterfly, a chick trying to crack its egg, or a sapling trying to break through the dirt to find the sun. Good things are on the other side of hard work.

In the second half of your 25th year, you will be feeling pretty confident in your friend making abilities.

Do not be fooled. Arrogance and know-it-all-ness will not get you where you want to go.

Wanting to have it all figured out and actually having it all figured out are not the same things. Denial and taking your eyes off God creates all sorts of havoc.

Also, living in community does not mean that you will automatically stay in it if you do not continue to sow into it.

Community requires enduring commitment. In other words, if you do not water it, it will die.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Bad news: it gets pretty bad. Too ugly and sad to get into detail here.

Good news: you survive it and, with a little (read: okay maybe more than a little) therapy and loads of support from family and friends you will eventually thrive again.

Yes, your 26th year will commence in the midst of relational drama that gets worse before it gets better, but the stark reality of how shaky your emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental foundation is will be the catalyst that will change the course of the rest of your 20’s and the rest of your life.

Learn to hold things loosely.

This contrasts with the earlier 22-you that death gripped your life plan and was determined to “make it happen”.

Truth be told, both are essential. There is a time and place to know your goals and be convinced that achieving them is your sole responsibility. However, the lesson you will need to learn is to trust God’s lead.

Will you go to grad school or get a new job? How about you pursue both as if they are both viable options? Up until this point the phrase “when you know you’ll know” – usually mentioned in the context of marital bliss – will mean nothing to you. Afterwards, you might still have no idea what it means (you are still single, after all), but you might be able to surmise it feels something like casually keep going until I provide additional instructions. Love, God

The lessons you will learn in this season of life will reverberate in the years to come. This time of building hope is symbolic of God restoring the damaged foundation within you. One that will be used to build on going forward.

Next up? Surprise! You are heading to the Big Apple days after turning 27. It will be an exciting time as you acclimate to work, roommates, and the city.

The struggles of “new” will feel long. Do not let it discourage you. In the city that never sleeps, you will learn that transience is real and, as such, there are always newer people that you showing up just as the old hats are finally getting out of dodge.

I would say that having an expectant heart is important here. Don’t let the hardness – late trains, W/D-less apartments, slushy street corners – make you hard.

Fall in love with your city.

Look forward to the special moments of running into siblings and friends randomly on the street, soak up the amazing views from your office, appreciate the balmy winter weather and snow on the first day of spring.

While you’re at it, keep a lookout for the best example of brothers and sisters in Christ that you’ve experienced yet. It will sneak up on you. (I told you not to let your newness get you down!)

In a whirlwind, you will somehow be accepted by all sorts of people you think are fascinating, fun, and cool. These people will change your life.

And, as with everything in New York, don’t expect it to the stay the same. Time here is like a whirlwind. Hold on because as fast as it feels, it will go by even faster.

While there are some missteps involved in finding your footing, you will eventually figure out your way.

The side effect of being in a community and working at a company where you are thriving is that sub-par things start to shine brighter. Ehem, you can address me please?

And so you will learn that your 28th year will be about healing.

Being able to seek help is a strength. It means you feel valuable enough to invest in yourself and are hopeful enough to think it can be accomplished by trying.

This is where I will remind you that things tend to get a lot messier before they get clean and organized again.

This is true for your sock drawer as well as your emotional life.

Even when it feels like two steps forward and one step back, or just three steps back depending on the day, I promise you that the work is worth it.

In general, you won’t know where this all leads. However, any work you do on yourself will never be wasted, whether it serves a greater purpose or not.

You are worth it.

Your 29th year will sneak up on you in the midst of your hard work and you will start looking ahead. No, this is not the typical holy sh*t I’m about to be THIRTY!? And I’m still single! I’m a spinster!!!

You will actually have the following, God-given thoughts: What will I, at 39, be glad I did at 29? How can I best prepare for my fourth decade so I start out on a strong note?

And from there, your mindset will shift from something self-destructive to something a bit more hopeful.

The reality is we act in response to the thoughts we think because we tend to believe what we think is true.

Your thoughts create the world you inhabit and thankfully your faith – owning itself to the seeds planted along the way – will be in such a place where it heard God’s truth and clung to it.

You are single and you will be proud of it.

You will be about to turn thirty and be thankful for it.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Love, Me

Turning thirty deserves to be celebrated and not only if you have a hubby and kids to show that you’ve ticked off the right milestones. This is only the third time you have the honor of saying “another ten years down” and look back at the most recent third of your life.

Your 20’s are a time of exploration, but also figuring out who you are.

As with everything, there is no comparison in the Kingdom. I hope that my letter serves a reminder that God is faithful, the journey is not over until it’s over, and there is much to celebrate.