Cultivating Relationships That Go The Distance

Last month I discussed the FIVE FRIENDS EVERY CITY GIRL NEEDS in order to survive living in this crazy city. Today, I’m going to speak on the reverse, how I approach the relationships I have with those that don't live nearby, including what I’ve learned about making these relationships as strong as possible and structured in such a way to go the distance.

As you’re all aware by now, I spent the last two weeks traveling. I touched on it a bit in my post about THREE TRUTHS ABOUT REST AND TAKING TIME OFF, but making the time to reconnect with friends and family is absolutely essential to my ability to thrive in New York.

You see, most of these people have known me for years, if not my entire life. Certainly, many knew me before my life in New York. They saw the childhood years, the awkward and troublesome teenage years, the self-discovery of my twenties, and my growth since moving to the city. Being able to catch up with these special people provides such perspective around how enduring this transformation and evolution has been.

For the ones that I met since moving to the city, it’s amazing to see how much has changed in my life in the time since they left. Or how much hasn’t changed at all. Time is a funny thing, isn’t it? In some ways I feel like I’m still just getting settled into my life as a "new yorker" (n.b. conventional wisdom says that takes a decade of living in in the city to be considered a true new yorker) and yet I am quickly approaching my third year anniversary with the life experiences and network to prove it.

Below are a few of the things I’ve learned about how to make long distance effective:

One size does not fit all

I’m going to start of with this one because it’s essential for the rest of the recommendations to follow. Each of your friends and family members are unique. To use the same long-distance strategy because that’s what works best for you is asking for trouble. The key to making this whole thing work is to be adaptable because each person's situation is unique.

As an example, one of my sisters is my FaceTime go to. We can do it any time of the day as long as we’re not working and it’s a good way for me to see my nephews for a hot second while I mostly talk to her.

On the other hand, one of my good friends has lived in six cities since we became friends and recently started business school. As such, our best mode of communication is gchat. We know we’re on our computers a lot and we can send messages that the other person can receive and respond to when they have a second but also can be rapid fire if we’re both online at the same time.

Lastly, I have a good friend that moved to California right after I moved to New York. For whatever reason, we got into the routine of me calling him late at night when I’m walking home. I get exercise with a fun distraction and because of the time difference it’s not “too late” for me to call him.

Point is: each friend has unique circumstances. I would challenge you to be creative in the ways you approach staying in contact with people.

Learn their love language

I find it incredibly helpful to know the love languages of every single one of my friends – receiving and giving – but I think it’s particularly important when you’re long distance.

If you’re asking the question “what the heck is love languages???” the short answer is that they are how we show and receive love from others and they fall into five major categories: physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Gary Chapman initially wrote his first book in relation to married couples but later expanded it to all interpersonal relationships.

If you want more information or to take a quiz to figure out what yours are, head over to The 5 Love Languages.

Why does understanding this matter for long-distance relationships? You might be wondering. Well, what makes a relationship strong is loving the other person well and allowing them to love you well in return. Knowing how to do that removes the frustration of guessing incorrectly.

There are several ways this plays out. The first is someone understanding how you receive love.

My love tank, as I affectionately refer to it, fills up on words of affirmation and quality time. Earlier this year one of my brothers moved out of the city after living here since before I arrived. It was hard for me to adjust to the reality of knowing he wouldn’t be around to grab Chipotle at a moment’s notice anymore.

However, he did an amazing job of honoring me in the weeks and months following his move by allowing me to FaceTime him every Saturday for a month and conversing with me on gchat when I missed him despite his demanding job and general lack of interest in chatting just to chat. Not only did his actions make the transition easier for me, but it also encouraged me that our relationship will likely grow despite the distance.

On the flip side, learning how other's receive love is equally important. With one of my best friends from high school, the key to our 15-year friendship is my understanding her need for face-to-face quality time. While I am able to receive quality time from others via electronic resources, she and I need to prioritize being together in person to sufficiently connect and keep our relationship in tip-top shape. As such, we schedule the next time we're going to see each other before we leave our current hang out. It doesn't matter whether it's a month or a year, we know that it's worth the logistical effort to get something on the calendar that will keep us on track.

Communicate

This one might sound self-explanatory, but I would say that one of the factors in keeping my relationships strong is discussing with them directly what hits the mark and/or could be improved. I would encourage you to prioritize candid conversation with the caveat that it is meant to build up each of you individually, fortify your relationships, and lead to increased depth and love for the other as a result.

Earlier this summer, my siblings and I asked my parents to take the love languages quiz. The results were fascinating! Even more important, however, was the conversation that ensued. It transformed how I approach my relationship with them and I am so thankful for the additional insight.

Specifically, until that moment I thought that my version of quality time was the definition. To me, it means talking about things of importance and connecting with the person on a heart-level. Small talk doesn’t count. And sitting in silence with another person certainly doesn’t cut it either. However, my dad feels quality time with me when we sit together watching the Master’s golf tournament on television. Had we not talked it out, I would not have understood that I can get more out of the experience knowing how much he enjoys it.

Give grace and/or let go

It is really important to give your friend or family member the benefit of the doubt. If you are able to openly communicate with them – see the last section – then you should be able to consider that their missing your FaceTime does not if fact mean they abhor you and don’t want to be friends with you anymore. It’s probably that they were busy. Same with that unanswered text.

Remember that you are probably just as busy as they are and sometimes you may slip up as well. That same high school friend? I forgot her birthday one year. My brother? I have cancelled my trip to see him multiple times. My sister? I sent her flowers for her birthday (knowing how much she loves gifts) only to realize after the fact that she was out of town for two weeks and they would be dead by the time she got home.

You see. I need grace too. We all do. And yet, because of the above sections, there are no hard feelings. We’ve figured out a way together to move forward in spite of my failings. And there have been other instances where we’ve moved past theirs. We did not sign up to be perfect friends or family members, we signed up to love with our whole, imperfect hearts and to commit to working through it when it gets rocky.

Lastly, I’d be remiss to not mention that at the end of the day we must hold all relationships loosely. By that I mean, we need to trust God with our entire lives and believe in His goodness and faithfulness. If there is any kind of mistreatment or abuse, reconciliation might not be possible. You will need to let it go.

You might not need to cut it off completely, but you will need to come up with what you think are appropriate boundaries for the type of relationship you can have with this person. At the end of the day, you are not a doormat. You are a daughter of a King and deserve the love and respect that accompanies that, just as you see everyone else as brothers and sisters in Christ.

How do you all approach long-distance relationships? Where does it align or differ from my experiences? Let me know in the comments!