A Love Letter To My Single Sisters In Christ

Hi S+B gals!

A few weeks ago I wrote about CULTIVATING RELATIONSHIPS THAT GO THE DISTANCE and before that I discussed the FIVE FRIENDS EVERY CITY GIRL NEEDS. This morning I was texting with one of my girlfriends about her dating relationship and, in the midst of telling her how lovely she is, I felt God nudge me to take this one text and write it for a broader audience.

Specifically, I am writing a letter to my single girlfriends to clarify a few things:

You – not your relationship – are my priority.

I adore you. You are precious to me. And the only person I really care about in your dating relationship is you.

Now, I know that might sound harsh, but hear me out. I most likely appreciate whomever you’re dating. You wouldn’t be dating him if that weren’t the case, right?

However, until there is a ring on your finger and you have said vows in front of God – and me because you know I’d better get that invite! – then it’s not a done deal. This guy that you’re dating, love so much, and are envisioning a future with might be someone else’s husband.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hoping he’s not your guy! I am just acknowledging that we don’t know how things will play out, do we?

So it really has nothing to do with your man. My focus, as your friend, is on you.

Specifically, who are you? Do you let me see you? Is this relationship bringing you closer to God? Have we grown closer as a result of your relationship with this fellow? Do you feel content and peaceful? Things like that.

Your relationship status does not define who you are or how I see you.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having dinner with my brother and cousin and a mutual acquaintance came up. The circumstances of the conversation aren’t relevant, but what stuck with me is that they both agreed that the timeline of someone else’s love life is unimportant to everyone else but that person. I don’t want to sound like I’m always confronting the lie that you’re late for your own life, but I was struck by how true it is that no one cares about when things happen!

It’s more about how you travel the journey. Do you seem happy and healthy? Are you calm? Do you appear to be growing as a person?

I am happier for the friend that waited years for the right guy than the friend that got engaged, married, and had a kid like clockwork but isn’t happy in her relationships or content with the life she’s living. I actually find that particular reality quite heartbreaking because I wish I had been her friend back then and had the courage to say to her:

You are amazing just as you are. You don’t need to check any boxes to prove anything to anyone. I care more about your heart than your relationship status.

And to be clear, I don’t care more about my engaged and married friends. It’s not like an engagement or marriage is an elite status that enters you into a VIP area of my heart or life.

Each of you are precious to me. You have something to offer and I am thrilled to be able to learn from you and know your heart.

I want to genuinely celebrate you, every step of the way!

God has such an amazing plan for your life and you’d better bet that He’s including your relationships in your sanctification process!

Yes, the big milestones are absolutely worth celebrating! In fact, last night I celebrated one of my friend’s engagement. It’s a magical time because it’s the culmination of what so many of us want and it’s such a testament to God’s faithfulness when you witness two people meet their match. It begets hopefulness and excitement. And deservedly so!  

However, I am also just as excited and invested in the baby steps my friends experience in relationships: instilling healthy boundaries for the first time, learning how to ask for what you need without shame, letting someone in after being previously hurt, etc.

I want to remind you that your “ugliness” is the fertile ground that God wants to plant in! He wants your messy heart and doubtful mind laid down at His cross so that He can restore it for His glory.

One of the most powerful things I realized about dating is that it really gets to the core of who you are, if you let it. This person is interviewing to be your partner for life. That is huge and, as such, should be taken very seriously. And yet, dating should be fun and lighthearted.

Quite a conundrum, huh? No wonder people get all confused and don’t know whether they’re doing too much or not enough!

I know they say “it takes a village” in reference to raising a child, but I think this also 100% applies to dating relationships. Don’t try to do it on your own! That makes it unnecessarily hard.

Let’s your trusted advisors in. Ask for accountability. Seek wisdom from people you know that want to champion you.

You will need your girlfriends for the rest of your life not just during your formative and single years. Continue to let them into your journey now. They likely know the desires of your heart and will want to remind you of the truth of who you are and who God made you to be when you get caught up in the emotions of your relationship.

Because it’s almost impossible for that not to happen. You care about your guy. You might even be hinging your hopes and future on him. That’s a lot of pressure without a whole lot of perspective.

I want to help you keep your head level. Not because I want to take you down a notch, but because I don’t want you to get too far ahead of yourself. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to get caught up in it all and I know the underlying reasons: expectations, dreams, self-worth, etc. and now that I’m on the other side of those relationships I am more grateful for the women that I had focusing on me and my heart than the ones propelling me ever faster towards my fantasies.

Above all else, I aspire to love you fiercely.

1 Corinthians 16:14 says “do everything in love” and I believe that that is my primary responsibility. Sometimes that looks like letting you off easy. Other times it means truth telling like you’ve never seen.

The question is: what do I feel the Holy Spirit is leading me to say? Only He knows what you need when and my ask is to listen and act accordingly.

Sometimes, I will fail you. I will say the wrong thing. I won’t be nearly as sensitive as I could be and then other times I won’t be tough enough.

I want to apologize for letting you down and I want to make it clear that my heart is to love and support you with my utmost ability.

To my single friends, you are loved. You are not alone in your singleness. You are surrounded by your sisters in Christ that desire to encourage and advocate for you.

You are valuable and deserve to be pursued by God’s best. If you feel called to marriage, wait for him. God does not let His people down.

For me, should His timeline diverge from the one I have in my head, I believe it means He can see something I cannot and, as with everything, I must trust that His plan is infinitely superior to mine. He is too good to withhold something good from me without reason.

I am also reminded of John 16:33 where Jesus says that he has “told [us] these things so in [Him we] may have peace. In the world [we] will have tribulation. But take heart; [He] has overcome the world!” If he has our eternal salvation locked down, I find it hard to imagine that He doesn’t have a grasp on the minor details of our love lives as well.

He loves us that much.

To wrap up this letter, I’d like to give a shout out to all of the amazing – single and married! – women that I get to call my friends. The richness of your lives spills over to enrich mine. I am a changed woman because of your love and fidelity. 

Thank you.